Would you like tinted windows with that?

We recently bought a new car. This was my first experience in purchasing a car. Boy, what fun. That's all I'm saying...

The whole process made me want to take a scalding hot ammonia shower; I have never felt so dirty in my entire life. Our salesmen, "Papa John" as he was affectionately called at the dealership, was a complete sleaze and was definitely one of those "dirty old men." He was not upstaged,however, by the younger guys, all of who will certainly mature into "dirty old men." We stared in amazement at the number of cheap, cotten/polyester blend suits swarming around us. It must have been quite exciting for these people to see two boys buying a car together. Definitely a story for their families back at the trailer park.

"Papa John" gave us the usual patter - "We're number one in customer satisfaction...we care about the customer... blah blah blah." I just kept thinking that if he really cared he would just shut his trap and let us look at the car. It was also interesting to see how obvious it was that he, and everyone else, could care less about us as people. We were just a sale to them. Regardless, we found the car we liked and got a pretty good deal.

Fast forward to the Warrantee Lady, aka Daisy Mae Scragg. I could have easily kicked a field goal between her two front teeth, which says a lot; with my athletic ability, I would need a double-wide goal post. We could barely understand what she was saying, as all we heard was the air rushing through the gap in her teeth. When we were almost done, she asks us where we live. We tell her "Greenbelt." She instantly replies "Oh, well, would you like tinted windows?" Excuse me?

Do we look like we might need tinted windows? While we're at it, why don't we install an easy-access compartment to store our crack?

But those car dealers, they save the best for last. Just as we were ready to drive off in our first new car, "Papa John" explains to us that we will be getting a survey in the mail in a few weeks regarding his performance as a salesman and that we "must" give him all "excellents," as anything else will count as a failure and his pay will be reduced. We stared in disbelief. Pretty much the same stare of shock your 9th grade English teacher would give you if you told her that she "must" give you an "A" because you won't get $20 from your parents if you get anything else.

Besides walking away with a lovely new car, I also walked away with a fresh sense of pride and satisfaction with my life. No matter how hard it may get sometimes, I'll never have to wake up, wear a cheap suit, treat people like dirt and tell them they have to lie so that I can make my living.

That's all I'm saying...